The scene is the darkest
jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking
through the jungle when the one in the rear
suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks
the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger
turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The
other tiger says sorry and they continue on
their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly
repeats his action. The front tiger turns
angrily and says," I said don't do that again!"
The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they
continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger
repeats his action. The front tiger turns and
says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to
stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry
but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to
get the taste out of my mouth."
A very rich lawyer is
approached by the United Way. The man from the
United Way is concerned that the lawyer made
over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate
even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is
sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not
covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids
through three divorced marriages. Third, my
sister's husband suddenly died and she has no
one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man,
"I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not
giving them any money, why should I give you
any?"
A pick pocket was up in
court for a series of petty crimes. The judge
said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The
lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord,
however my client only has $75 on him at this
time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in
the crowd. . ."
Two small boys, not yet
old enough to be in school, were overheard
talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy.
What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy,"
replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant.
What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked
Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular
kind", replied Tommy.
One day, there was this
lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was
eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all
of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of
nowhere and took of the driver's side door with
him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed,
because he knew that no matter how good a
mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the
same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran
up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST
RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.
"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with
my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers
are always so materialistic. All you care about
is your possessions. I bet you didn't even
notice that your left arm is missing did you?"
the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side
and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
A guy walks into a post
office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing
"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with
hearts all over them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all
over them.
His curiosity getting the
better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm
sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess
who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce
lawyer," the man replies.
A man was chosen for jury
duty who really wanted to be dismissed from
serving. He tried every excuse he could think of
but none of them worked. On the day of the
trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As
the trial was about to begin, he asked if he
could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from
this trial because I am prejudiced against the
defendant. I took one look at the man in the
blue suit with those beady eyes and that
dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's
guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay
on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get
back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the
defendant's lawyer."
For three years, the young
attorney had been taking his brief vacations at
this country inn. The last time he'd finally
managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he
dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned
you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have
rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about
my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and
talkin' and decided it would be better to have a
bastard in the family than a lawyer."
A lawyer
defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense: "My client merely inserted his
arm into the window and removed a few trifling
articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to
see how you can punish the whole individual for
an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your
logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one
year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not,
as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his
lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial
limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A grade
school teacher was asking students what their
parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and
said, "My mom is a doctor!" Sarah stood up and
said, "My father is a professor!" Little Johnny
stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in
a whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just
heard, so she made a point of calling Little
Johnny's father that evening to discuss the
situation. Little Johnny's father explained,
"Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I
supposed to explain that to a seven year old
kid!"
A woman went
to her doctor for advice. She told the physician
that her husband had developed a penchant for
anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good
idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She
said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well,
then, there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so
long as you take care not to get pregnant." The
woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get
pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of
course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
A doctor
vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer
friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real
estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I
am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are
you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember
that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?
Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with
the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked
puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the
flood?"
A guy phones
a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my
lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but
your lawyer died last week." The next day the
same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want
to speak to my lawyer." Once again the
receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your
lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to
the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my
lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says,
"but this is third time I've had to tell you
that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep
calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love
hearing it!"
Two attorneys
were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young
lady walks by. One attorney turns to his
associate and comments "Boy, I would like to
fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second
and said "Out of what"?
An engineer
dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an
engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the
engineer reports to the gates of hell and is
admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell,
and, as is the wont for engineers, starts
designing and building improvements. After a
while, they've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a
pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up
on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going
down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey things are going great.
We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and
working escalators, and there's no telling what
an engineer is going to come up with next." God
replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake -- he should never have gotten down
there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I
like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here
or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and
answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you
going to get a lawyer?"
A lawyer
trying to get tickets to a Broadway show,
finally settled for a couple of seats a year in
advance. When the exciting night arrived and he
sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the
lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and
asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make
it. The woman asked him if he didn't have
relatives or friends who could have used the
seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the
funeral."
A doctor and
a lawyer were talking at a party. Their
conversation was constantly interrupted by
people describing their ailments and asking the
doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of
this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do you do to stop people from asking you
for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and
then I send them a bill." The doctor was
shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next
day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor
prepared the bills. When he went to place them
in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
A lawyer is
standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his
shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns
around. "What the hell do you think you're
doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just
keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me
screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
A man is at
his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the
turnout for this one man. He turns to the people
around him. "Why are you all at this man's
funeral?" A man turns towards him and says,
"We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay
your respects? How touching." "No, we came to
make sure he was dead."
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